11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
You Might Also Like
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
j o i m p
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.