WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
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witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Best table by far
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.