My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Happy Star Wars day!
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.