Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
A completely valid reaction tbh
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
haha same
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.