You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people