I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.