It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Yeah. This was me today.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.