obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.