I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Britain be like
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I didn’t realize that was an option
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.