I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Dietest Coke
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Meow
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs