*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
everyone’s a critic
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button