GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.