Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
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sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]