Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
💻🤡
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.