Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.