My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
g
a
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Heroic Misunderstanding
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me