Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
What’s so funny?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Stop being racist to kettles.