You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.