I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon