Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Morning my dudes.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.