Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here