Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
*praying for world peace*
God:
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment