How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Body by sandwich.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”