“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[eulogy]
line?