[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
You Might Also Like
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.