My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Love this guy
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests