absolutely not
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Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Strangers have the best candy.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.