[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Go girl power!
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock