I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
You Might Also Like
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs