Am I having a stroke?
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Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
A classic…
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.