When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
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My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.