her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
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I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit