Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
…żyje?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.