It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer