to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
being a writer on Twitter:
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.