Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Potatoes were such a good idea
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Jogging
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly