[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
i鈥檓 gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would鈥檝e been nice.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Sorry, can鈥檛. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 馃槨
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else鈥檚 vodka?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I鈥檓 exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It鈥檚 terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
There鈥檚 a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There鈥檚 also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
sergio leone: i鈥檓 going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what鈥檚 it called?