her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
definitely did not do anything wrong
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Just had my nails done!
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother