If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Lmfaoooooo
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.