We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.