Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder