That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare