To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
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Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“That’s what” – She
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”