Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
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[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
There’s only one good girl here!
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂