Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
You Might Also Like
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.