[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
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Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*