Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
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if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.