Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Born to be mild.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?