Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
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“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
can’t bark with your mouth full
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.