Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
You Might Also Like
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
tourist season
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.